Unintended Consequences

by Jake Lorenzo

Back in the day, when Jake Lorenzo was a working professional winemaker, I would get to the winery before sunrise during harvest. I’d unlock the front door, take a few deep breaths, then fling the door open and sprint through the winery to unlock and open the gigantic sliding barndoor in the back. Once outside, I’d fill my lungs with cool morning air, congratulating myself on not suffocating in all the carbon dioxide that collected overnight from the fermenting tanks.

Every now and then, at some point in the breathing, sprinting, and recovering, a fruit fly would get caught in my throat. This detective’s writing cannot do justice to how terrible a feeling that is, but every winemaker and cellar rat knows exactly what I am talking about. That distressing scratchy tickle of the fruit fly desperately trying to escape while you choke and cough and swallow is a discomfort never forgotten.

Because Jake Lorenzo is not just a detective, but also a winemaker, I know quite a bit about Drosophila melanogaster. Fruit flies eat food that is decaying. They live in trash bins, compost piles, and any place overripe or rotting fruit is available. Fermenting wine is especially attractive to fruit flies. A female fruit fly can lay up to 500 eggs in a single batch, and those eggs can move through their growth cycles to adulthood in as few as eight days. Then you have 500 fruit flies, with each female capable of laying 500 eggs per batch, so a small number of fruit flies can explode into an overwhelming infestation seemingly overnight. Rotting fruit is loaded with germs, which flies pick up on their bodies and transfer wherever they land. That’s why this detective hates fruit flies, especially when they land in my glass of fine wine, rippling the surface while flailing away like drowning synchronized swimmers.

I bring this up because last night this detective had an open bottle of 2023 Shiraz from Ministry of Clouds Winery standing on my butcher block kitchen island. The neck of that bottle was covered with a dozen fruit flies. This is inside Jake Lorenzo’s house . . . in December. I’ve had fruit fly issues during harvest, but in all the years we’ve lived in Sonoma, we’ve never had swarms of fruit flies inside our house, certainly not in December. When I dragged Jakelyn’s mother into the kitchen to witness this infestation, she calmly proposed, “I wonder if it has anything to do with all the unpicked grapes left on the vines.”

There it was: a plausible explanation. The fruit fly invasion could simply be an unintended consequence of the plummeting prospects of the wine industry. Wine prices were too high, baby boomers were dying off, young people were sucking down kombucha cocktails instead of wine, whatever the purported causes, wine sales had tanked. Wineries decided to make less wine, at least, until their over-stuffed inventories came more into line with actual demand. If wineries make less wine, they buy fewer grapes. Grape growers lose buyers, they have no place for their grapes, so the fruit hangs forlornly on unpicked vines rotting in the open, inviting fruit flies to have a field day.

Unintended consequences and fruit flies are the least of our problems. If growers aren’t selling their grapes, then wineries are making less wine. That means equipment suppliers are suffering as well, because wineries making less wine don’t need new tanks, or barrels, or as many corks, capsules, and bottles. It could be the wrong time to build that new warehouse, upgrade the computer system or invest in that self-operating tractor.

The wine industry is suffering, and the unintended consequences of a laboring wine economy have caused Wine Business Monthly to notify this detective that no matter how revealing, humorous, and popular they might be, this will be the last Jake Lorenzo column published by Wine Business Monthly.

For 21 years, they have encouraged Jake Lorenzo to tell his tales of life in the Wine Country. They allowed me to introduce Jakelyn’s mother, Chuy Palacios, Dr. Iggy Calamari and dozens of my other friends and acquaintances. It has been this detective’s mission to continuously remind people that a key component of the wine industry is the joy of doing the work and making the product. If you aren’t having fun making wine and sharing that joy with friends, then what’s the point?

I would like to thank everyone at the magazine for allowing me to say what I had to say and letting me do it the way I chose. They never edited my tales or tried to temper my sometimes outlandish views. This detective knows Jake Lorenzo has loads of fans, because you come up and tell me how much you appreciate my friends and my sense of humor. I thank you for your encouragement and support. These years of writing have allowed me to publish six books simply by sharing tales about our friends, table, and cellar. It’s been a great run. Jakelyn’s mom and I are thankful to have lived it.

Jake Lorenzo is not disappearing, but I am taking a bit of time off to recharge my batteries, restock the wine cellar, and decide upon my next move. I am leaning towards a blog, so I can keep writing. I think I’ll charge one bottle of wine a year for access. If shipping proves too expensive, you can deliver your bottle to me in person. Maybe we’ll sit on the porch and drink it with some food. There is no telling who might drop by. Whatever you do, do not use Jake Lorenzo as a dumping ground to normalize your ballooning wine inventories. My neighbors will not be happy if trucks full of wine pull up to my door, so don’t bring more than you can carry.

So, if you want to keep up with Jake Lorenzo and my friends, send your email address to me at jake@winepatrol.com. I promise no ads or hassles, just notices about when I post new stuff.

You might enjoy checking our website, winepatrol.com as well.